"Reluctation" is a word in ENGLISH

I do not understand why I was held back from Sedona for so many years. My spirit was broken down, and I lost everything, friends, pets, pieces of myself were lying everywhere. I felt like a massive failure from Boston, then a failure because I could not manifest Sedona. It almost seems like I had to give up, and let go of the iron grip I had on Sedona, in order to finally understand it better. Focusing on other dreams and paths, let me lighten up further, until it came unexpectedly at the door and knocked. "Remember Me? I am the dream you buried, and thought you would never get, but it feels right now, and you should just go for it".